What is a boundary?
The dictionary definition of a boundary is ‘a line or limit that defines the extent of something’.
Personal boundaries are ‘the line or limit between yourself and other people’. They allow you to define what is acceptable and healthy in your relationships, both personal and at work.
Some examples:
· Your boss asks you to work late on a matter when the cause was their lack of planning.
· Your friend expects you to answer the phone when they decide to call you late at night.
· Your mother-in-law expects to visit four times a year and stay for a week at a time, without helping out when they stay.
· A colleague leaves for a better job and it is assumed that you will take on their workload, without any discussion about reward or time in lieu.
· Your husband assumes that you will get up in the night when your child cries, when you both have equally stressful full-time jobs.
· Your partner on their retirement states that they no longer want to cook which means that you will be cooking 100% of the time, despite the fact that you work full time and are not retired.
· Your colleagues at work in your team who have children assume that you won’t take your summer holiday in August as you don’t have children.
· Your friends and family assume that you will pay for dinner when you go to a restaurant because you get a bonus with your job and they don’t.
· Your son or daughter is rude to you and doesn’t apologise.
· Your children become teenagers and are old enough to help with cooking and cleaning but assume that you will do this because you always have.
What examples can you think of?
Everyone has their own agenda, the trouble is, it is not always evident what it is, which is why asking clarifying questions is so important to find out, and push back against requests.
Are you clear about what your personal boundaries are?
It is worth being really clear about what your personal boundaries are, so that the people in your life don’t tread on them.
How coaching helps
Coaching gives you time and space to think, re-evaluate and make changes. Part of my job as a coach is to ask you incisive questions that help you to think and to hold you accountable to actions you commit to in order to create the changes that you want.
It is an opportunity to look at things with ‘fresh eyes’ and to think about what your personal boundaries are and make changes.
We all have ‘roles’ in life and behaviours and habits can be quite embedded and unconscious because we haven’t stopped to think about it. If you lack confidence, you may be a ‘people pleaser’ and have poor personal boundaries that other people take advantage of.
Examining your beliefs and transforming them is an empowering exercise and enables change.
Changing career takes time and energy, and is in addition to your usual work and life so freeing up time is very useful by asserting yourself, as well as removing or reducing things or people that deplete your energy and time.
Practical tips
· Express your position calmly and clearly without getting aggressive.
· Practice saying no so that it becomes comfortable.
· Know your personal values – what is important to you.
· Notice how other people protect their personal boundaries – what can you learn from them?
· Brainstorm things that cause you frustration at home and work and pinpoint exactly what the problem is so that it can be addressed.
· List your personal boundaries on a piece of paper so that they are front of mind, not back of mind.
· Write the distinction between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour so that you are crystal clear.
· Draw out vicious circles and note down ideas to change them into virtuous circles.
Self-reflective questions
· What are my personal boundaries’?
· How can I improve my personal boundaries?
· What assumptions are people making at work?
· What/who is stealing my time?
· What needs to stop?
· What needs to start?
· When and where is the best time to have a conversation?